I received a mass email the other day from a local I don't know that was so bizarre I had to read it twice.
"Susie Smith has a Master’s Degree in Political Science from (an extremely expensive private University) after attending another extremely expensive University majoring in the arts."
I'm just going to speculate Susie was parental- pressured into graduate school knowing her art history degree was worthless.
"She worked in politics for several years before deciding to follow her bliss -- working with animals."
Guessing she was a law clerk intern with very long hours, no pay and not exactly what she was hoping for with her big fat degree.
I can only imagine what her parents are going through knowing they just threw $450,000 down the toilet.
Susie: "But mommy, daddy, I want to follow my bliss. That is what is important."
Dad: "You didn't need to go to a private elementary school, high school, college and grad school to walk fucking dogs! I'll never get out of debt. Ever!"
Mom: "Oh, George, don't be so hard on Susie. You know she always loved animals. She's young. She's only 29."
Dad: "Yeah, well fuck the both of you and forget that trip to Italy. That ain't gonna happen now."
The email continues:
"Susie began following her true passion at The (BIG CITY) Animal Rescue volunteering her time to walk the shelter dogs, pet them, and on top of that she became a cat companion!"
Wow, what an over-achiever! A petter to boot! And WTF is a cat companion? They don't even like people.
"Susie is a dog walker, pet and house sitter extraordinaire. She once dog sat for someone who worked for Johnny Depp!!! She does it ALL my friends. Plus she's stunningly beautiful (think a young Elizabeth Shue) and loads of fun! She takes their welfare to heart and well-being very seriously. She’s observant, intuitive, conscientious, watchful, careful, and exercises fine judgement judicially."
Okay, I can let the typo go, but I personally HATE when people say, "think John Doe" but more importantly why is this person comparing Susie to Elizabeth Shue, whom I love? Now I am angry. If she is so pretty, attach a picture. And why do you need to say she is pretty anyway if she is a fun-loving observant dog-walker? And are you seriously going to squeeze in the word judicially, like it's some proof the girl was exposed to the law? And what's with all the adjectives? Susie sounds OCD. And Susie does it all? What the hell does that mean? She's stunning and fun? This is pretty wide open to interpretation. Maybe this is a hooker ad in code. Remember, she pets...
It goes on!
"Susie is also excellent with puppies and elderly dogs alike, and is capable of administering medication. The care Susie gives is highly attentive, intuitive and pet specific."
For Christs sake. Capable of administering food and medicine? Repeating the intuitive word? Why the need to suggest she can care for dogs of any age? She is not your average dog-walker to the 4-9 age group, but her range so expansive it includes puppies to the elderly! Imagine. And what is with the repetitive need to say she is good with the elderly? I'm thinking this actually would be a very clever hooker ad of the "sugar daddy" variety. But something tells me, no. It's just an incredibly lame dog-walking ad.
"Susie is a local and regularly takes good care of pets in the area, but will also travel for an extra fee, plus mileage."
Travel? Travel where? To the valley? This Susie should be grateful if anyone called her. Period. Including anyone in the Inland Empire. And by the way friend, you aren't doing Susie any favors with this pathetic ad. The very least you could have done is include a picture! And possibly pimp her out for real. At least she would be earning an income!
"She watches my beloved dog, Picasso, 18, a (very expensive breed.) I no longer feel guilty, frenzy or fret at the thought of him when I am away. I know Picasso is happy, enjoying Susie's sweet attention and company. Susie LOVES my dog. She even remembers his birthday and sends him biscuits. I'm so glad I found Susie last year."
Jesus, 18! That is 126 years old! Why is Picasso even alive. Maybe it's not. Maybe Picasso is taxidermic. Susie doesn't even have to walk the damn thing. If still alive, I am certain at 18, dogs are in diapers. And frenzy? Really? You shouldn't even have a dog if leaving it sends you into a psychotic swirl. She LOVES your dog? Why the caps? What is Susie up to?
Also, with the biscuits and dog birthday calendar, I'm starting to think Susie is batshit.
I'm so glad this email sender person is finally relieved of her high anxiety over leaving her expensive stuffed dog. She can finally sit on the beach and read Fifty Shades of Grey without medical intervention.
"Susie Will Love Your Pet As Much As You Do."
Not sure the point of All Caps, but maybe this will be the book title, once Susie lands a few dog walking gigs and miraculously changes the lives of their owners. And then runs for major, turning the town into a happy place given the swell of joy she brought to the dog owners. Susie is Prozac rain.
Then the contact info.
There you have it folks. If you are pulling your hair out, tearing off your finger nails and drowning in booze over the thought that poor little Musket Face might miss you, know we have Susie; the overly educated, mentally questionable dog- walker who knows how to not just walk a dog, but pet it too.