Wednesday, August 7, 2013



How to Become Kim Kardashian





Kim Kardashian drumming up business.

I suppose it was bound to happen. Because we live in a small village and spend a great deal of time there, my daughters and I typically hang our at Crumbs, or a yogurt joint or Starbucks.

We usually bump into roughly thirty people we know, depending.

So, the Boulevard is basically a block long water cooler. Most of the talk I have with my friends revolves around current events, our various work ongoings, politics, schoolgirl drama, traveling, pie recipes and TV shows.

Friend: Oh my god. What did you think of the last Ray Donovan?
Me: Right?  Christ, that father! I would have put  him with the fishes by now. Jon Voight is so good, maybe too good.

These TV chats are seasonal depending what's on. Soon it will be back to Breaking Bad, especially since we have a local money pool regarding how the show will end.

Not to name drop, but I will, I spoke with Bryan Cranston, so I have a slight edge, but he didn't want to ruin everything for me, and I also didn't want to know, but I have the upper hand in speculation.



My water cooler friends and I also love talking about Orange is the New Black but we all binge watch, so it's tricky. No one wants to be a spoiler. I've now finished. I just love the show.




In any case, no matter what we do, my 10 year-old girls and I pass the dreaded newsstand. Then the inevitable happened.

A:  Mom, why is that lady ALWAYS on every magazine. Why does anyone care about her or her baby? Is she a drummer?
E: Just don't look, keep walking. Avert, avert.

They were not talking about Kate and William, because that would have given me an opportunity for a great teaching moment. I ran with it anyway and explained the political system in England. Not that they asked or even listened.





No, they were referring to Kim Kardashian.  There must have been 25 covers like these.





So it was a different teachable moment.  To say she is famous for being famous is a limp and easy explanation. Okay, this is not a new thing. I went with  Zsa Zsa Gabor to illustrate my point.



By the way, I love her. She must be age 100 and still full of bluster. I only really know Zsa Zsa from Green Acres, a show I barely remember, but she was funny.  I wouldn't want to live on some old pig farm either. Give me New York!

Me:  So, she was famous for marrying famous men, all nine of them, then her acting career took off and she became more famous. That is one kind of strange fame. But truthfully, she was so delightful, it's possible she may have become famous without any of them, including Conrad Hilton, which oddly ties into this story. And if I recall, she too had sisters, known as the Glamour Gabors.

Then you have the debutante fame, or "celebutante" I guess it's called in the media world. The Paris Hilton's, Nicole Ritchie's and so on.

The girls were walking ahead of me during my running commentary embarrassed as usual, pretending to not know me. But they needed to understand, dang it.

Then you have Kim Kardashian, who is a combination of all three.




Me continuing: That cover lady is a girl called Kim, who lived a very privileged life and her father was well connected. She was a very ambitious young girl and knew she wanted to do something special with her life but wasn't sure exactly what. She tried fashion, making trinkets, then as though in a thought bubble, this arrive: "I want to be a reality star!"

A: Mom, what are you talking about! You're so weird.
Me: Well, that's the thing. And she has a bunch of sisters so they are all in on this.


Just look at Kimmie. Born leader ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

E: Does she have a Little Pet Shop You Tube channel?
A: Eve, save us. Let's run ahead and get yogurts.



My girls loathe, just loathe attention. So if I am talking near them they panic. They would never understand reality fame because they can't comprehend how anyone would want that attention. In fact, because they are both artistic, make things and one of them is an excellent chef, a camera crew came by to film her cooking. But after the meal, E wanted nothing to do with them and demanded the tape.

E: Don't ever air that, show it and mom let's never please have people watching us.
Me: Deal.

That' us. We are private. Well, they are. I'm also very private but my alter ego doesn't really care so much.

But since we are on the subject, here is a quick guide on how to be Kim Kardashian.

1.  Make sure you are born to a wealthy father who gains notoriety from a celebrity trial.



2.  Make friends with kids of famous parents while at a private pre school. Paris Hilton was her pal as a kid, so like that.  As you grow up, be photographed doing silly teenage things and post them on Facebook constantly.



3. As a teenager, date a celebrity, even if for a week, then be photographed at an opening of their film. Everyone will be curious about the girl he was with.

4. At 20, briefly marry a celebrity, divorce, then date many other celebrities. Go to parties constantly but call TMZ first. During the string of celebs, just make sure there is a sex tape made. Leak the sex tape. This almost guarantees "reality star" status. Sell sex tape for $1M then sue the same company for $5M.  (Don't ask.Your attorney will handle this.)


I often contemplated making a fake sex tape, nothing graphic, just two people playing tag in an open field of gold to the sound track of Sting's Open Field of Gold. Use sub-titles so the audience thinks this is latest sexy trend, chase games. The "celebs" face would be blurred out, I'd photoshop say, this girl onto my entire person and shout "nyet."  Then leak tape or just give it to Vivid. "Bolshevik Bananas!"




5. Have your mom marry an Olympic medalist, do a Brady Bunch scenario between the two families. Then have Kathy Gifford, or a family friend like her, drop by and say: "Jesus H. on a cross! You guys are a reality show waiting to happen."  Have Kathy make a call to "there is seriously nothing I cannot do on TV" Ryan Seacrest.

6. Hire a dozen publicists and a slew of professional stylists, make-up artists, hairstylists, and plastic surgeons.  Take your already beautiful self and shape this look into what is known as the "perfect" face according to Psychology Today.



This girl is stunning. I personally think she looks better without all the fuss.


7.  Marry and divorce an athlete and air all of this on TV. Give your sisters spin-offs. Plastic surgery for everyone.

8.  Now that you are a superstar, well, you have to find another super star or all of this is for naught. Marry someone like Kayne West. The paps follow him everywhere too, whether he likes it or not. Plus he's a sport. He's not going to be jealous of your fame.



9.  Get pregnant with superstars baby. Try to time this when the Royals are having their baby. More press.  But don't get pregnant when Jennifer Aniston is REALLY pregnant because you won't win that coin toss.

The downside to being Kim is she gets sued, often. She is a target. People love here or hate her or like me, don't pay much attention.

But in writing this I did learn a few things.  I use her as my example because, let's be honest, for reality star wannabes she is the biggest one out there. But marrying men, leaking sex tapes and having a show that has no substance, is not enough. Her fans adore her. Worship her.

I think I know why. She's genuinely a kind person. A good person. And a very hard working person. She is a woman who had a goal and reached it, and is still climbing. She does not give up. She does not fall apart when she is attacked. Somehow, people relate to her.

I met her once at a party. Not to brag, but I will. I can read people in ten seconds. Ask anyone close to me. This is also a curse because after a while, they might get nervous and not want to be so close.

I digress. Kim came off as a lovely person, kind to a fault, she means no harm, and also knows she is incredibly fortunate. Now her world is navigating new motherhood while staying way relevant; i.e. that baby picture. She's a pro.

Other reasons people may have for Kim love.  After Buckley elementary, she attended Catholic schools.




Her faith was important to her, despite all the people who say otherwise. Her father left his business to his three daughters after his death. She understood that was huge, and being the oldest, wanted to be sure she used the money properly.

Sure, it's not lofty stuff, but she started making workout videos and selling them. She started a clothing line with her sisters, then opened a clothing store. She was a kid.


Cute ^ ^ ^ ^

Nonetheless, she was in the celebrity swirl, surrounded by other debutantes, and started dating famous men. This is when she became a name. The sex tape with Ray J launched her fame, (I have no idea who he is) which lead to Keeping Up With the Kardashians and her bazillion endorsement deals. Addictive stuff for some.

So why Kim --given the glut of reality celebs?

My theory: She apparently shares with her audience her fears, her battle with weight,  her insecurities, her fretting over whether Playboy would be a good idea.

Do I think posing for Playboy is what a girl needs to restore her confidence? Of course not. But it seemed to help her. And apparently her fans fretted with her over this decision.

She is the first to admit she's uber privileged, but somehow to her fans, she keeps it real. I most likely will never watch the show. But I also don't hate on or begrudge someone who had a goal, stayed focused, ignored their retractors and achieved everything they wanted.

Kim Kardashian is not going anywhere and this "model" of ---follow my every calculated move because you'll have fun --seems to be the new norm. It's not for me. But at the same time, one can't ignore current events.

Is Kim our Boulevard water cooler material? No. Yesterday it was the fabric sale going on at awesome Mood. Another topic all my friends are sick of hearing about!


Eve just finished an adorable summer dress, but is not finished with her hem. She won't let me put it up. I want to wear the dress. Not sure when we became the same size. So, here is her Oscar De La Renta shoulder bag.



Rhonda Talbot reporting in on Kim Kardashian.