Thursday, August 5, 2010

The MOMS are enough, just an apple a day.

I happened across an article the other day that really blew me away, mostly because it got published. It was a mother’s musings on this incredible epiphany she had and is now at complete and utter peace raising her ONE child.  First, she was stoned, but let’s not nitpick.
“After I had my child, I was so overwhelmed I had to seek out a spiritual counselor.” Okay, this is where I had to continue because I am already howling.  She continues, “It was soooooo hard and overwhelming. I was at wits end.  After my first session, I was finally able to breathe! (read toke.)  My “master” told me my only job was to smother him with more love."

This mother fucker gets paid to say this shit?

“But I said, well of course I do, but I am simply falling apart.”  He tells her, “You must not stop. I know that is hard to do when he is breastfeeding, but surely by now he can reach your teets on his own. Yes? Then just blend, blend.” 

Read: take another hit off this incredible weed.

"Yes, that is a relief. My arms were really getting sore the first couple years. My friends told me about the yoga trick you had recommended. Really worked."

"See, all will be well. Try this mix. I call it the mom's mix."
“Oh, ladies. I immediately started to feel better immediately if not sooner."  Oh, I’m sure you did.
"He gave me the best advice I would now like to share with all you other moms. Guess what, it’s not that hard. We just need to give them MORE.  I wear button shirts. No bra. Sometimes no shirt. Fern can suck whenever he wants. We are stuck like glue, so I pretend in a way, he's a spring jacket. It really works.

Oh, the stress is magically gone.  Thank god I don’t have to do anything anymore!! Right ladies? Just let them be who they are. This attachment stuff is genius. The space between us is so small that any space he experiences is a huge accomplishment! Even picking up a toy on his own. He is his own child.”

Wow, why didn’t I think of that? Who the hell else are they going to be? Although my son pushed the boob away at 6 months, thank god. He wanted to eat at the big table. And he hated my bed. 
Now I am getting kind of pissed. Who is this spiritual master? Oh, spending his fortune on custom built homes after wallet raping these clueless women.
For the record my kids have so much space and privacy I rarely know where they are. In fact, I think they got an apartment. They are seven and very resourceful.  One of the twins doesn’t like me at all and tells me all the time, so it works out well.

Her sister, on the other hand, adores me, and I believe this is because we are so alike.  She is a free spirit; respects my privacy, and I hers. She has “secret” diaries all over the house but I would not have known had she not told me. Of course I opened it.  "I love mom, but I wish she would burn her polka dot dress."

I think it’s great for her to privately express her thoughts. Her sister doesn’t keep diaries because she  freely speaks her mind.

"Mom, please don't wear that ugly dress when you pick us up today, nothing personal."
I spread my love all over the house like cleaning fluid; the hands and knees approach.  Recently, the twin that wants to stomp on my grave recently told me she was allergic to my existence. Daddy is just better, Mom. Plus I hate your voice and when you dance it freaks me out.”
“Well, next time I take you to the beach, I won’t give you the sunscreen!” She then took my best face crème and threw it in the trash. “Your skin is so blotchy nothing will ever help it!”  I always give her a hug when we have these little spats even though she twists herself into human wire hanger.
Back to the article.  “So I learned from my master to just go with the flow, give Fern whatever he wants, let him feel in charge and don't force him to do things he doesn't want. Do they really need to go to school? What is math anyway? Will this fix my children? Do you love you?”

Clearly she's baked.

"Where are you on the vibration scale? My son loves to shimmy, wear my make-up, my panties.  He loves putting on my stockings!! He has been doing this since he was three, so I thought the old me would force him back up on that horse!!! We shop now in the girls department. It's pure heaven. He just loves imitating mommy!!!! I finally accessed my entire love space! He asked when he could breastfeed me? How cute is that?"  (I could tell by her increasing use of explanation points that the "mom's" mix must contain extra THC.)
For example, (here I thought she might mention he may be gay and expand on that or acceptance or something worth reading, but no.)

"I took my step-son, who is 15, apple picking. He asked me, “Bliss, why do some apples come off the tree and some stay?”
He was 15! Now I am thinking this crazy bitch home schooled this poor step-child.
Her response, “Well, I realized I could not answer this question.”  Are you fucking kidding me?  “So I remembered what the master had taught me.  If you could see me right now dear readers, well, I’m just giggling with amusement.”

 Okay, it's a bong, not an apple pipe. My bad.

“Honey puss, why do you think they are stuck on the tree?”

"Then I squeezed my boobs, a reflex of some kind, but he didn’t seem to mind."  Oh my god, is she breast feeding the teen too?
“I thought he might say, maybe it hurts, like in the "Wizard of Oz." But no. He says:"  
“I’m thinking the juicier and ripe the apple, the more ready they are to fall.”  Okay, to his credit, the kid had in fact read a book.  She goes on,
“This completely floored me! He knew the answer and I did not.”  Maybe because you are a dumbass who should not have had children, but by all means have another hit.
Here is where I had to stop reading. My own children surpassed me at age three. I have three kids, so it made sense. I have always let them find their own way; have never pressured them. Who has the time? Breast fed briefly, sometimes they sleep with me on a scary night, I adore them and that's that. Never needed a guru.
What will be interesting for Ms.Bliss is when Apple Boy goes to college. I can already see it.
Bliss mom is talking to the president of a private college; let’s say where he was finally accepted. But the cost is so great, she needs more aid. The grant notion for him seems sketchy.
Ms. Bliss:  “I have filled my step-son with such love; on the highest vibration known to man. I love me. I have let him find his way. I listen to him when he picks apples and allow my younger one to wear my panties. Surely, we can work together with love, to find more aid.”

I can tell you from experience, this will never happen and the president will politely shake her hand and recommend a community college.
The tactic I used when needing a higher grant (yes, my son earned quite a few, despite my having no love vibrations) is this: “Mr. President or whatever the fuck your name is. We all know he is smart, blitzed the SAT, got your highest grant you can offer, but I know there is more. I know it’s all a big scam, these private colleges… so let me say, I am a very, very dirty girl. My son’s education is of utmost importance. Have you ever been whipped?”
So we all have our ways of raising kids, but I think in the end, what we all agree on is this, sure it’s hard, sure we love our kids, but they come out of the shoot as short people and the best we can do is give them an environment specific to said child. And all of it is fine. Some moms are a little extreme, but hey, who am I to judge? I do, but who am I?  I have never consulted a guru, spiritual teacher, doula, homeless person, extra-terrestrial being or Rabbi. Instead I call my mom.
"Oh, I had six kids and they were all on their own by ten. I might add that I drank, smoked, had affairs, let you play with mercury thermometers and we didn’t wear seat belts. And everyone turned out fine.

You’re kids are amazing. Clearly they all inherited my talent and wisdom. Poets, writers, artists… so it all worked out. By the way, one of your sisters is missing. Again. I need to find her as she owes me money. You do have those great sleuthing skills like your asshole father, so could you track her down for me? Thanks, honey.”

Rhonda Talbot weighing in on spiritual gurus, parenting, mother's little helpers. 


  1. high-larious. fucking funny. Bravo Talbot AGAIN!

  2. Génial, Hilarious !!! Does that article exist, THAT Women exist ???

    Zweig ;-)

  3. * Woman instead of women. Me and my so low english.

  4. zeig...yes/in a composite way, but very much so