Sunday, October 28, 2012

Good Bye Red States!

Dear Red States:

 We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving: ...
"Legitimate rape" is almost reason enough!

 We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
 In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.

 We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A), and hopefully to you in your new Confederate States of America.

 To sum up briefly:
 You get Texas, Oklahoma, and all the slave states.
 We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
 We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.
 We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
 We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
 We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
 We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
 You get Alabama.

 We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.
 Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

 Please be aware that the E.S.A. will be pro choice and anti war and we're going to want all our citizens back from Afghanistan at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

 We wish you success in Afghanistan, and possibly Iran as well, but we're not willing to spend our resources in these sorts of pursuits. And we don't care that you believe Romney killed Bin Laden.

 With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

 With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

 We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you brainiacs believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Citizens of the Enlightened States of America

(collective anonymous)


  1. Anonymous said...Well Dag Gum Thanks to Ya! Now we all aint gotta deal with Cuomo and Hollywood! I'll send my slaves right out for some big gulps to celebrate and we'll shoot off our shotguns like the fourth of July. Oh wait. That's a holiday for an undivided country that respects differences of opinion, and votes democratically. Never mind.
    I have a child who wishes to protect 'all' the states of the union. Including southern states where, hang on to your hat, southern and christian are not synonymous with ignorant and bigotted!( I know, who knew, right?) We have explained that we cannot support the decision to join the military unless there is a change in leadership this election, because serving under the current administration will quaurantee they are expendable, as are the rest of us, while the agenda is being fulfilled.

  2. Your comments don't make much sense, but you are welcome to right you own declaration.

  3. I'll make it less complicated. And that's 'write' not 'right' Too much good weed?; )

    Conservatives are not all ignorant. Just like all Liberals do not have superior intelligence. Where you live has nothing to do with it.

    "all the slave states" Really? This is 2012. Wake up Rumplestiltskin and smell the reality.

    I'm a registered Independent who believes in Pro Choice And Gun Rights. Im a Christian and support Gay Marriage And Public Prayer. I'm from the south-I am not ignorant or bigotted and being from a red state and even being conservative does not mean you are. You apparently think you have higher morals than them, though they may so stupidly think otherwise. Good thing you set it straight.

    Some people choose to serve their country. Even those that would disparage them and their families. This is not an ignorant or light decision. It is a deeply serious one. Those who do, regardless of political sides, deserve to do so with confidence that they are supported by a government that makes sure they are properly supplied and manned to defend. With what is happening in Afghanistan and Benghazi, I do not feel confident that the current administration is prepared to do this. This is a dangerous thought in the world situation we are facing. Ultimately I would love to bring all troops home and never fight again. I do not believe the middle east will allow us to do that. This is an area where Americans actually may not have a choice, and a much more far reaching one than personal decisions we make at the clinic. I have a child that is determined to join the military so this is no joke to me. And I am very proud.

    I am an Independent Southern woman who is voting Republican this time because I have educated myself. I am using my head, not my uterus to make this decison. I am using facts and what I know about history, not my personal feelings about social issues to make this decision. This election goes so much further than that. I find most people don't think beyond their immediate desires. I truly believe our fundemental rights and freedoms are at stake.

    I also feel that making fun and disparaging people who disagree with your view is a lame way to make a point. It isn't clever. It doesn't make you look smarter, more informed, or even funny. It makes you look, well, ignorant and bigotted. No offense, please.

    That said, Hope you and everything and everyone you care about in New York are alright this morning. You guys had a tough one up there. I've been praying for all of you-don't like, run screaming from the room or doesn't hurt.

    P.S. My husband, The Replublican, thinks you have a great idea!; )

  4. I think you are taking this too seriously. It's clearly a joke, a parody. Something I find often lacking in extreme Righters. It's sad that women don't care about their bodies and are willing to allow the government make decisions about them. But what is really pretty ugly in this campaign is this:

    But no man with as much decency as Obama exhibits in both his private and public life deserves the contempt that has been dumped on him by arch-conservative ideologues, talk show ranters and Internet goons.

    From Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Donald Trump to all the anonymous creators of the wild fabrications that churn out of websites and go viral in emails, the relentless vilification of Obama has been unprecedented. Sure, every president suffers unfair criticism. Many of our most effective presidents, from Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln to Franklin Roosevelt and Bill Clinton, have been slandered and hounded by critics. But Obama’s detractors have plumbed new and revolting depths of mendacity.

    Obama’s birthplace, his paternity, his religion, his academic attainments, his citizenship and his loyalty to the country have all been called into question by people who feel no moral qualms about spreading fabrications and untruths. Any unfair tactic, any lie is justified in order to “take back America” from someone they refuse to accept as a legitimate president, despite the indisputable reality that he was elected by a majority of American voters in a near-landslide of electoral votes.

    It is a false equivalence to say the left has been guilty of similar smears during the administrations of Republican presidents. In those past instances, all but a few Democratic elected officials shunned such slanders. The same was true for all but the most rabid liberal commentators. But most of today’s Republican leaders stay silent in the face of the lies and many eagerly repeat them, while leading conservative pundits give the endless falsehoods credence, not an honest critique.

    The right wing’s eagerness to engage in deceit has distorted credible conservatism and corrupted political discourse. It has turned the Grand Old Party into a rigid and narrow ideological club that tries to purge any Republican who displays even a hint of moderation or willingness to compromise.

    The ever-waffling Romney is not their perfect candidate, but, for now, that does not matter. He offers their one and only chance to drive the usurper, Obama, from the White House. That has been the right wing’s objective every minute of every day for four years, and vindication of their dishonest, un-American crusade would be the worst result of Mitt Romney’s election.

  5. You are right about me taking it too seriously. I find it hard to find any humor in the situation. Sean Hannity and Rush can be hacks, Trump is ridiculus and irrelevent even though he doesn't know it himself. I understand how you feel about the media portraying the president because, the fact is, the right wing feels exactly the same way about how the republican candidate and conservatives are being smeared and they are correct too. (Your own post is an example, joke or not. Facts are being muddied with garbage. To drive the encumbent out is the goal by both sides in every election. Sadly I have found no one who perfectly speaks for me and my beliefs as an American. So, I listen, I pay attention. I'm smart enough to discern the difference between propaganda or slanted an info and questionable circumstances in a candidates policies. I had to choose to go against what I felt was a bigger issue. My social values or the liberty to keep my values. And yes, I truly believe they could be in danger and not because some nut is spreading BS but from watching what is actually unfolding before my eyes.
    The thing we all must remember is this: If we are divided we are weak. Anything used against one side can be used against the other. Both Sides of the table should be aware of what freedoms they may be giving away when they think they are stopping the 'enemy' or helping 'everyone'. So Peace to you, truly. Caring passionately about our country and trying to support what we believe in are honorable traits. There are too many completely uninformed or indifferent people out there. I feel it's important for those who care to be honest and see each others point of view. Even if people don't agree they must recognize and respect the liberty of the opposing opinion-because once liberty is lost it's gone for all.
    Too serious again? Sorry. I recently quit smoking and I'm all hopped up on Chantix ; )Maybe I need some weed...; )

  6. I don't smoke weed.. jeez.. never have, but thanks for thoughtful response.

  7. Just joking a little myself to lighten up my responses.I don't either-never have. ( We could possibly be two out of maybe 5 people in our age group who can say that, so hey-something in common! I'm moving along now. Thank you for the thought provoking post, venting opportunity and interesting chat.