Friday, April 12, 2013

Coachella 2013, Me, Safari tents and Lindsey Lohan

I wasn't going to attend Coachella this year since last year was kind of a bust.  I'm glad I was able to help the P'urhepecha peoples, but this time I wanted to go and listen to some music.  After reading the line up of bands I'd never heard of and questioned their overall band name picking ability, okay, I mean, Baauuueer?  Why not just Baur? Why the need to lengthen his name?  He looks insecure to me.

I think all of us are speculating the same thing here.  And El_P?   Is that code for album? Seriously?

Quick, what did you just eat and what are the color of the pants you're wearing? Now that's your band name. I read that on twitter. Mine is White Salmon. It's catchy.

Here is why I decided to make the journey. Scrolling through, I saw The Red Hot Chili Peppers,

(still hot)  >>

Moby, Nick Cave, XX, The Neighborhood, and in honor of my 10 yr old daughters, The Yeah Yeahs.

I did notice a bunch of punk bands from the 90's. I didn't like them then, don't like them now. So, will miss those sets.  I also looked up a few bands that sounded exactly like these punk 90's bands except the musicians are kids. So, is punk back? And when did that happen?

Only good punk>>>>>>>>

Of course Bad Religion, Clash, The Ramones. But I kind of love Steve Jones, have known him peripherally for many years, (he's a great guy but probably couldn't pick me out in a tiny crowd) and it was great fun watching him play himself on Californication.

I didn't want to stay at the Native American reservation and most of the hotels are too far, so imagine my delight when I learned this awesome tent Safari was still available. I would never have to leave the grounds, deal with traffic, walk in the heat, or worry about cell coverage.

The fully furnished glam camp is air-conditioned, has a full bath, stocked kitchen, dining room, a "tricked out" golf car-- say if you want your own piano delivered which I'm not canceling out, around the clock attendants,  wi-fi, shuttle service, thank god, place is HUGE, your own personal concierge, breakfast buffet, daily snacks and even games, whatever that means.

Maybe we play hacky sack between shows.

But here's the real reason. You get backstage access to where the artists hang out. They have their own little village. So if I want to talk to Keith Richards (is he going?) then I can. We met in passing 15 years ago so I'm sure he will be delighted to chat. Don't these folks look kind? I can get lonely in desert-like places, but now I'm not worried.

Plus now I will have people I can do the Touch the Sky dance with. I want to try the Twirly Bird too! Excited!

Not to mention a free ride to all the "cool" parties, and I have wristbands for them all. So yeah. Lindsey Lohan will probably want to steal one or tag alone, but I have to keep within the rules. Sorry, Linz.

The price for the tent, gas, and my Whole Foods visit before I arrive: $9000.00
The lies I can tell my friends about who I slept with?: Priceless.

When Lindsey Lohan heard I took the tent, she called me.

Lindsey:  Hey Rhonda. I'm going to Coachella, you know, kind of a last party before rehab.
Me: Oh, I totally get that. I had a couple of hot flings before I got married.
Lindsey:  Do you mind if I crash in your Safari? I have a room, but it's off the grounds. You have the best tent. Paul McCartney stayed there once.
Me: Well, I don't want to enable you.  You can't be coming here all passed out.
Lindsey: I promise I won't. I'll sober up first.
Me: Okay. And no way can Dina come. Just ew.
Lindsey: Promise. Thanks!  You rock.

I like Lindsey. I'm going to have her do the housekeeping in return for the free stay, even though a clean staff comes with the place. But I think it will be a good way to prepare her for rehab.

Everything is set and I had my daughter sew some colorful Marc Jacobs fabric together we picked up at Mood. I modeled in the backyard and the girls gave me a thumbs up.

I'm going to look pretty smoking because I also brought carnations to drape across my chest for those super hot days.

Sure, she might be a few years younger, but then who would be looking at my face. And also I think a lot of people take drugs there, so for all they know I could be a plant.

And by the end of the weekend, maybe I will have learned who the hell Father John Misty is.

Will leave you with this to get you in the groove. The live one is great. I can't figure out how to remove the other. Maybe I will meet a great IT guy in Coachella. Bye y'all.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Heidi Klum protects her child, and I can't protect mine!

Boy, that was scary ^^^

I was doing some tab scanning when I saw the story of Heidi Klum saving droves of people from deadly riptides while vacationing in Hawaii. Flipping through the pages, the way in which it was written, had it not been for Heidi and her super human abilities, many lives were at stake, particularly her son, Henry.

But the accompanying pictures didn't really support the story.  What is her body guard doing? Where is everyone?

After pulling her boyfriend Martin Kristen to shore, she apparently went back out and saved her son and his two nannies. The son being seven. When my son was seven, I'm pretty sure I never sent him in the water with two nannies. Not even one. In fact I probably said:

"Go play in the waves so I can nap."

I like this picture of Heidi checking in on Martin who is still recovering, though it's unclear what he is doing. Hand games? Asking for a martini?

The on duty paparazzi saw no need to help, just take lots of pictures, especially of Heidi in her two piece bathing suit which was perfectly intact. There was no call to 911 or even a lifeguard.

Call me skeptical, but Heidi, like many other celebrities are brands. And they need to not only get an overload of press but need to be seen in a positive light.  This is a fast growing trend.

Just in the past year we  have Dustin Hoffman dialing 911 when a man was having a heart attack. Who wouldn't? I love Dustin, nonetheless, the news spread around the world, the man is a hero. Then he got a job directing a film.

Ryan Gosling keeps saving people. He broke up a street fight, saved a girl from getting hit by a cab and helped an old woman across the street. That was all in one week. But honestly, the man is made of hearts, butterflies and gummy bears. These were true saves. Plus he is helping NYC economy because girls move their hoping he will save them.

Patrick Dempsey, Kate Winslet, Tom Cruise, Vin Diesel... the list goes on. Most of these "saves" are in the 'no kidding' category   I mean, who would keep walking down the street if they saw a man choking to death on a drumstick?

But my favorite saver is Demi Moore, who managed to be labeled the go-to-girl when you are feeling suicidal via Twitter.    After a random girl said she was going to off herself, Moore's response was:

"hope you are joking."

I'm a  big Demi fan, but I don't understand this outfit. It reminds me of what I put on the twins before mealtime. Anyway...

Back to Heidi. I love this story.

Heidi is recently divorced, has kids from a number of different men, thus now her family is fractured. Seal seemed to project a family solidification in the Klum clan. Now he is gone and she is sleeping with her bodyguard. These are called red flags to corporations that spend millions on protecting their brands.

The public, kind of like a bad rip tide, now owns people. The burger ad might have been too sexy so that needed to be toned down.

So, what better way to make a woman shine than to say she rescued her own child from the grips of death! And the nannies to boot! And for good measure, the boyfriend. But what mother would not save her child?

I know this beach quite well, Papailoa. I can assure you it is rather tame, very secluded and if there were any signs of the slightest wave activity, she would not be in the water.  Also lets say I'm wrong and the seas were rough.  It is unlikely Heidi would let her child, even with two nannies, splash around in a potential tsunami.

This does not look like rough water.

Now they want to give Heidi a reward! For what? I suppose sooner or later we would need a Baywatch Reward.  And being called "Such an amazing mother, vigilant, Johnny on the Spot." The bar is set so low for celeb moms, they do the right thing and they are super heroes?

Well, where is my reward?

Not too long ago, I was on this island, hence my interest in this story.  Anytime a particular beach area may be dangerous, there are more signs than billboards on Sunset.


On this particular beautiful day, we passed a perfect stretch of empty beach, exciting, crashing turquoise waves and sugary sand. Not a person for miles.

"Pull over! It's perfect." I shout to my hubby.

We set out with the 8-year old twins and somehow missed all 12 DANGER signs. Also the fact it was deserted should have been telling.

Mark took both girls, put them on a surfboard and paddled way out. All I could see were their bobbing blonde heads. The waves were enormous. It was thrilling. I decided to walk along the shore and breath in the sweet air and think about my future beach house.

I was ankle deep in the water when something pulled me down into the sea. Too surprised to think, I was getting pulled in deeper and deeper. We are talking three INCHES of water. Flailing and screaming, I could not get a grasp of anything, so I held onto seaweed, which, just btw, is not like rope.

Waves just kept pounding at my every attempt to get  up. My mouth, nose and ears were full of sand. I was drowning.  I could not see. Every part of me was taking a beating on the rocks. My life was over. I can't believe I was going to die on vacation. Now I would never live out my golden years in that beach house.

I'm in there somewhere ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

I pop up for a second and see Mark and the girls. I was waving my huge white floppy hat in the air, the international signal for I'm drowning. I also needed to warn them of the danger. It was at that moment I needed the super-human strength mothers get to help their children, but I was rendered useless. I was incredibly frightened, but quickly thought, thank god they are with their father.  Heidi Klum I am not.

Soon all three of them are on the surfboard, riding in without fighting the tide. I see they make it back and somehow, I find the ability to move. I know they are happy and safe. Relief.

I eventually belly crawl, pulling myself along the sharp, volcanic rocks, scraping my knees raw, until I get on the sand, then do a kind of body twirl ten feet away from the water. I lost my hat. I lost the bottom part of my bathing suit.  I kept rolling in sand, until I got to our layout then wrapped up in a beachy dress.

Mark and the girls run over screaming with excitement having rode out his first real giant wave.

"Did you see us? Oh my god. That was so awesome!"

"Of course. You guys were amazing!"

"Why are you bleeding?"
"Why is there sea weed in your hair? I know it's rough out there, but Rhonda, come on." Mark rolls his eyes, clearly not understanding the severity of my situation.

"Mark, I was drowning," I whispered.
"What? You put your feet in the water."
"I got a riptide. Didn't you notice out there? I was terrified for the girls."
He laughed. Not at me, but because he knew he wasn't in any danger and wasn't sure if I was just riffing.

But would he be laughing after seeing my scarred legs, notice my possible hearing loss and how about the potential post traumatic stress after we got back home?

"I got all caught up in this seaweed. Like it was a monster squeezing the life out of me! I seriously almost died. Didn't you see me waving my hat?"

"Well, it's gone. That was my favorite hat."

Then we all relaxed in the sun. I looked around and began to see all the warning signs. I stealthily pointed them out to Mark.

"Wow. Girls, check it out. This is like a forbidden beach! Those waves were massive. You rock guys."

They were thrilled.

Eve:  Mom, can you clean off all that sand before we go into town. It's embarrassing.
Aud:  Yeah. Do you want to borrow my hat and glasses?

They put me together so we could all be seen on the same street in town.

So Heidi, THAT is a riptide. It sucks you under.  You cannot breath. There is no way out. You loose your clothing. The wave owns you. You are its bitch. You don't walk through the wavy water back to shore then go hunt for eggs. You are paralyzed in fear that your child is in danger.

Nonetheless, I like Heidi. She has done some good things with her life beyond the modeling. Though I have never watched Project Runway, I read the show helps launch many fashion careers. And she doesn't starve herself to stay relevant.

I suppose it will be interesting to see what the next celeb heroic thing is.  When I see a celebrity run into a burning building and risk their life to save someone trapped inside, this would be worthy of an award.