Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Halle Berry or Litigious Lawyer?

I was involved in a minor car accident a few weeks ago. LA is an impossible city to drive in. Not only are you constantly negotiating gridlock traffic at all hours (where are these people going on the 5 at ANY given time?) but you also have to deal with rude, obnoxious assholes who become outraged if you obey the law.

I tend to drive safe, slowish, okay, like a grannie. I listen to music and enjoy myself.

When a red light turns green, I wait ONE second because people run lights all the time. Then: HONK! HONK! YOUR SECOND IS UP! For all that moron knew, I saved his life.

Here come the insults. I drive the speed limit. I actually STOP at stop signs. This enrages drivers.  Most of them Vin Diesel types or pick your beefy actor from The Expendables 1 or 2.  Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger...

"What the hell is wrong with you, stupid woman!"

Often they will tailgate, keep honking, harassing me, more obscenities, and eventually weave their way around, just to get in front of me with their giant SUV and SLAM on the brakes to teach me a lesson for my good driving.

I asked myself, if this person is in such a  hurry, they sure are spending a lot of time wasting it on me.

On top of ALL that you have the crooks that try to trap you into an accident, forcing your car into another car, thus you are at fault. Then they sue, for their sad, sad pain, fraudulent injuries, and their inability to EVER work again. Like they ever did before. Even if just a fender bender.

I'd get a bike, but I have kids and I simply refuse to get a three wheeler and take it everywhere we go. And I just can't do the Croco bike. Can't do it.

Back to the recent incident. Once again, I come up against, essentially, a malingerer. 

This took me by surprise because at first the girl seemed pleasant, like this wasn't any big deal. At first I thought it was Halle Berry, the resemblance was that striking.  But isn't Halle pregnant?  Then on closer inspection, she had a whole Morticia thing going on, long black dress, creepy night creature nails, too much vampire make up.

Okay, not Halle Berry. Just dressed like the Cat Woman but in a long dress. Nonetheless, quite pretty. After the initial denting, she took off. Just left. Maybe it was Halle. I know celebs do that. Weird. But no. This was a malingerer, posing as a movie star.

Red Flag #1

The driver secretly makes a call and conspires their next moves. She must have been in her Cadillac which was now out of view.

Halle: I swerved to avoid hitting a car, then sped up to beat the light, but SHE HIT ME!
Husband: Good. What kind of car?
Halle: Brand new. No plates yet.
Husband: Awesome. What is she wearing.
Halle: Casual, but James Perse casual.
Husband: Perfect.  Go start blaming her. I'll Google her. We'll get some money out of this. BTW, are you hurt?
Halle: No. But I missed my Pilates class, dammit.

I'm assessing my damage, a small scrape under the hood. Halle storms toward me, now in her battle gear mode, repeating over and over. "I HAD THE RIGHT OF WAY. YOU ARE AT FAULT."

Red Flag #2 ^ ^ ^ Never stop blaming.

She was in my face, towering over me with her stilettos, doing the finger pointing thing.

What it felt like ^ ^ ^ ^   but alas I did not kick her in the nuts.

BTW a great description phrase: "I used to get up and get excited to go to work, but now I'm happy being a malinger."

I go about my business.

Halle: Why are you taking pictures of my car?
Me: So you won't leave and kick in the door and headlamps. Maybe you'll hit a wall and get a brand new car. Who knows? All I know is my instincts are screaming here to NOT TRUST YOU.

I did not say this ^^^  I said nothing. She kept repeating her mantra, "I had the right of way. You are at fault."

She was getting rather worked up, a dither. Even angry, her skin was radiant.

In a coincidence, a police cruiser happened by. Suddenly Halle the wicked witch turns into Halle Berry the Make-A-Wish supporter. She instantly sprouts a halo, all smiles.

Halle: We're fine officers. No one is hurt. Just a small dent. We're all good friends here.

We are? Okay, maybe we are. Maybe we can be friends. I would like that.

They leave, and the witch returns. Well, so much for my fantasy. I get her info and go to Bed Bath and Beyond because the place comforts me. I love squeezing the down comforters  while talking to the sales people. I told everyone the story. They empathized.  I must have spent $400.00 on bath towels but it was worth it.

RED FLAG #3:  Malingerers take their sweet time in reporting accidents. Why? Because they are very busy figuring out medical issues that will make the cut. And in her instance, she claimed horrific neck pain and WORK WAGE LOSS.

"OH god, I'll never be able to function again. She was going 4 miles per hour!" ^ ^ ^

I find this so hilarious. The girl lives within 30 miles of my house. I saw her going to the gym and driving to work. Plus she mostly works at home.  Enough about her. Whatever amount she is paid off, is dirty money. She will have to live with the karmic dues that will be coming her way.

I have to mention I love my insurance company. I know that is not a popular thing to say,   but Progressive has become extended family over the years. Sure, we pay a fortune like everyone else. And mostly because of assholes like Morticia and their BS claims. But Progressive has a way of making me feel better about the entire awful state of affairs. They talk like actual people. They too have insurance, they too know how the system works and they know what they are dealing with regarding Halle Morticia.

After all Halle Morticia is a class action lawyer who specializes in settlements.

I suppose if you are going to dent someones Cadillac, a litigious attorney would be about the worst case scenario. That or a super fussy Cayenne owner.

For me personally it's always a huge disillusionment people like this even exist because I want to believe there is good in everyone. But sadly it's just not the reality.

RED FLAG #3  Malingerers bring attorneys along and have them do the doctor referrals. Even if they are one. How lame is this? We are talking a dent. And frankly, if I did NOT drive so slow and had sped up, she would have slammed into me (she was going over 65mph in gridlock, through a parking lane.) Had she hit me, she would have pushed me into traffic, and possibly killed herself and others.

Halle Morticia, first you should be ASHAMED of yourself, ASHAMED, and second, you should be grateful. It certainly could have been much worse.

RED FLAG #4  Malingerers refuse the initial offer from the insurance company. Halle is asking for some ridiculous amount; and also lots of time off work. Nice gig if you can get it.

I'm writing this to remind people to stay vigilante. Obviously times are hard financially for everyone and the malingerers are crawling out of the wood work. There has been a dramatic rise in fraudulent car accident claims. Some people actually throw themselves in front of expensive cars hoping for a big pay day. Some parents have their kids do it, because they can tuck and roll!

So, Morticia, by all means don't go into work, take your pain pills, lounge about and enjoy your pathetic life.

Meanwhile, I will continue to obey the traffic laws and drive the speed limit. Maybe one of these days the HONKER will be awesome Jason Stratham, at which point I would just sit at the light until he gets angry enough to approach me. Once he sees me, well, I'm certain he'll mistaken me for Rosie Hunting-Whiteley and invite me out for a coffee. You never know.