Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Gisele Bundchen, Lady Gaga, Lauren Conrad, Hit and Runs and Audis.

First, who knew Audi was the hot car to drive for many celebrities?  Daniel Craig, Liev Schreiber, Orlando Bloom, Miranda Kerr, the list goes on and on. This was a trend that started in England, but to the Royals it wasn't a trend. It was a car. Kate Middleton needed a durable, well made car. So of course Hollywood had to follow. I mean this has it's own Pinterest page!

Audi is a very well made car. I used to have one. But not the Audi R8, which is the celeb preference. Plus I don't see myself shelling out 200 grand for a car. I don't like to bring attention to myself. Just not that kind of girl.

Anyway, so, more weird CAR STUFF! I must have been a crooked mechanic in another life to deserve all this automobile balderdash.

First, I had no idea that hit and runs were so common in Beverly Hills. Until I just became a victim of one. There were a number of witnesses, shop owners, who have seen this dozens of times.

Cars whipping down Beverly or Rodeo, clipping parked cars then hauling ass. What a mess.

As most of my readers know I avoid Beverly Hills at all costs, even if it means going out of my way by hours hopping on circles of freeways. But the store that held my beloved new linens was located on Beverly Drive. So I pushed passed by fears to enter the hell hole known as BH. Whenever I do find myself there I'm met with this shit.

Kim Kardashian drives a Bentley by the way. But she too has a series of Audi R8's.

While parked at a meter on the street, in front of a lovely eyewear store, some crazy person tried to parallel park behind me. In the process, they hit my car. Given a number of people were watching, what was a girl to do? Rely on her acting skills. She placed a slip of paper on my windshield, essentially letting everyone know, "Hey, I'm responsible! Here's a bogus number."

Then she blazed out of there, had no license plates on her car, thus no fear of ever getting caught.

A kind man came forward who had seen the entire episode. He worked at the eyewear store called Optica, seriously great people in there, not to mention fantastic frame wear. I'm actually going back to get fitted, I like the place that much. And I hate BH.

Anyway, he told me the entire story and we both just nodded our heads in that "some people" kind of way.

Me: What was she driving?
Man: The new silver Audi R8. No plates.
Me: Was she white?
Man: Yes.
Me: Blonde?
Man: Yes
Me: Actress?
Man: Likely. But I couldn't place her. She was just shouting "I'm going to be late for my audition!"

I totally get it. A 20-something actress, maybe a reality star, maybe an actor. Maybe on CW, maybe on MTV or Bravo? I certainly wouldn't know. But I do know how actors are about auditions. I have friends who are actors, many whom I love, but some will leave you bleeding in the street if they get a call from their agent regarding a sudden hot audition.

Actor Friend: So sorry. You'll be fine. This is an opportunity of a lifetime!
Me: Go. I'll just wait for some passerby as I bleed out. Break a leg.

The shop owner gave me more details. She was very busty, in the silicone way, wore a wife-beater with spandex pants and high heels. I put together a composite.

Given seemingly every actor in Hollywood drives an Audi, it's a long list, but here is who we can rule out because their cars were not silver.

Gisele Bundchen, Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber!, Rosie-Huntington-Whiteley. Jason Stratham has one too. Matching sets. Cute.  Emma Stone, (who, btw, would leave a note because she is awesome,) Jonah Hill, (he may have been wearing a blonde wig, one never knows,) Jessica Alba, Goldie Hawn (not in her 20's) and Mitt Romney.

That leaves us with a few 20-30ish blondes that drive silver Audis.

Possible offenders:

Lauren Conrad. That is the car, but she does not have the proper bust size. Not her.

Lady Gaga. The hair is right, but alas, she is not a DD.

Sienna Miller. Again, tiny girl.

Anne Hathaway who is recently blonde but she's rail thin and I never think, Oh, Anne Hathaway, the girl with the giant bosoms. No.

It's possible it was one of John Mayer's or Simon Cowell's girlfriends. Maybe they borrowed for a quick trip to Physique 57 to tighten their buns.

The fun part for me was learning about this Audi trend. Who knew? Maybe I should have kept mine on a short lease, then I too could be cool.

So, if you see a blonde wearing a super tight wife-beater on the side of the road scraping my navy paint off her car, try to get her phone number. Thanks!

What is the moral of the story? Stay out of Beverly Hills.

Rhonda Talbot weighing in on cheap, criminal wannabe celebrities.

**The perp was not apprehended. Though known. If I were a horrible person, I could call TMZ and the police. But I shall not. Instead, it's dealt with. Let that be a lesson to hit and runners. People see you, famous or not. And no one likes this behavior.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Jennifer Aniston is a Self Kisser

As usual, I am way behind the times, but thanks to Jennifer Aniston, I was brought  up to speed on self-worth movements. When I was struggling with my own self-esteem in my 20's, and okay, part of my 30's, I was told to give myself self affirmations. I had them all over the house, particularly on my mirrors.

I thought it was ridiculous because I would read them and think, wait, that's total bullshit. So I made this.

Despite being a somewhat accomplished person who overcame horrific childhood tragedies, I still had nagging thoughts that I wasn't pretty enough, for what, I don't know. I had a difficult time looking in the mirror. Like I could never do the Jennifer Aniston Floating Kiss.

I don't even know how to respond to that, except if I was as cool as Jennifer I might give this a go. ^ ^ ^

Early in my 20's some therapist suggested I start hugging myself while whispering how amazing I was while standing directly in front of a mirror, then finish it up with a kiss. I fired her.  But maybe I acted in haste. I mean look at Madonna. She kisses herself constantly and she's a really big deal.

James Franco simply can't get over his damn self.

Apparently there is an entire website devoted to Franco kissing  himself. Then, looking pleased.

"You rock star, you!"

Megan Fox is leaning in for some self-love, but look, I adore this girl. She can kiss herself all she wants. If you looked like that, you might be tempted. I see her so much I feel she's a relation. We share many of the same professionals and vendors.

I've never been a "fancy" girl as my 10- year- old daughters call them. That is, girls that spend hours on their image, perfecting this with clothes, make-up, hairstyles and affectations.

I came into the world a wild street urchin and was told:

"Never rely on your looks for anything. They will get you nowhere. Plus, you may end up dog-ugly anyway. Use your brain, even when you're sleeping."

I carried books everywhere I went, spent 90% of my time in classrooms and slept with a dictionary. When I came of age and developed a face and figure, this went ignored. But only by me. Men constantly pursued me, often without my knowing.

GO AWAY! ^^^

When you're a girl in your teens and twenties, you typically have a trail of men following you around. By age 23 I had four boyfriends only because everyone was starting to call me a lesbian. Not that it mattered, but I was in an industry ruled by men and gay women had no power at the time. In fact, they were ridiculed, badly.

So I collected a few guys. An Anti-Christ Agent, a Kevin Costner actor, a Surfer and an Entertainment Lawyer. I only shared my bed with Costner and the surfer.  Not together! The others didn't mind. I was more of a prop for them; arm candy stuff.

"Hey look at me! I'm an old guy that has a teenaged girlfriend because I am that powerful!"

Nonetheless I still thought I was fat and ugly; this was because model type girls told me as such whenever I was out at some industry event, probably called WE'RE SO HOT AND YOUR NOT!

Model: Well, you're thin, kinda pretty. But you have no tone. Get a Jane Fonda tape.
Model 2: You need to firm up those thighs or forget it.
Me: Forget what?
Model 2: Forget any kind of future with a rich man.
Me: Huh?

Here they exchanged looks and rolled their eyes.

Model: Also you look like a schlub. Could you have less taste in clothes?
Me: This is a Norma Kavali.
Model 2: Oh, girlfriend, you're fucked.

Later I asked my big shot agent fellow to take me shopping.  I was seriously out of my league in Hollywood. No one in college gave a shit what they wore.

Big Shot Agent:You don't need any clothes. You look great. I bought you that Prada dress for the Oscars. Just keep wearing that.

Later, after a night of scream therapy, the lead therapist pulled me aside.

Therapist: Rhonda, your screams aren't real. You're wasting your time. Use affirmations and try kissing yourself.

I never did the self kissy or went back to scream therapy. But I did drop all the boyfriends except the surfer dude.  Those people know how to  have fun.

My life is very different now. Years have passed, I have issues I suppose, but nothing to complain about and I like myself just fine.  I no longer want to cut off my thigh fat with a steak knife.  Being in your 20's is a truly cruel passage.

So we have come full circle. Everybody apparently whose anybody is kissing on themselves. Even A-Rod!  I don't know who that is, but the name, his appearance all scream-- masculinity. I didn't take him as a mansexual.

Now I have twin 10- year- old girls. They seem to have deep wells of self-esteem.  They are very proud of their tomboy status and have tons of interests. Beauty is not one of them. But they think Gwen is gorgeous. This is one of their 30 reptiles.

Beautiful Gwen ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ No make-up or stylist required.

So, the lowdown on the trendy maintenance of self-esteem? Give yourself a big kiss in the mirror. There is even a tumblr page devote to this subject if you need a tutorial.

Randoms. This is an actual thing.

I think the above is a couple with intimacy issues. Let's make-out. Then they go to separate bathrooms.

Whoops. Ryan Gosling somehow slipped in there. My bad. That's Ryan in my office telling me:

Finally, if you feel the urge to kiss yourself, just look at Scarlet Johannson. Your gender is not important.  Just put this next to your alarm clock and you won't need a self pep talk.

Rhonda Talbot weighing in on selfie kissing.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Rachel Ray's BIG FAT Mistake

My daughters first blog post.

So I walked into a grocery store and noticed Rachel Ray buying canned beans. I was aghast! I walked up to her.

Me:  Rachel, if you want a REAL career as a TV cooking host, you should be using potatoes. Not canned green beans!

Rachel: I think I got this so whatever.

Then Rachel proceeded to pick out an eggplant thinking it was a potato.

I rolled my eyes and left.

The next day I turned on the cooking channel and there was Rachel Ray making a "potato" salad but with an eggplant!

Poor, poor Rachel.

The End.

Author:  Audrey, age 10.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

George Zimmerman Meet Jenny McCarthy

Jenny McCarthy staying current on social matters ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

The confluence of the George Zimmerman non-guilty verdict and Jenny McCarthy's Disney owned ABC hiring, where she can spew on The View struck me as incredibly bizarre.  The timing that is.

Like many I struggled with the outcome of the Zimmerman trial, though I was one of early believers this trial was over as soon as the six women were picked.

I wasn't the least bit surprised by Juror B37, who after landing her book deal, spoke publicly about her decision. The sympathy she felt for "George" like he was her best friend spoke volumes, while she referred to Trayvon Martin as "the boy" or in some cases, "them or they."

**Her book deal, most likely thanks to Twitter has been dropped, but I'm guessing this is temporary.

This woman actually said the trial was never about race. That's like saying there are no black people in America or Jenny McCarthy saying she cured her son of autism.

This is what I heard.

Juror B37: "Poor Georgie Porgie, getting beaten like that. What choice did he have but to use his gun in self-defense? It was all right there on the documentary."

She was referring to the Avatar-like generated cartoon the defense created to support their absurd theory.

Molly West:  I can't believe they bought the stupid Avatar defense! LOLZ

Anderson Cooper: So you believe George Zimmerman is innocent.
Juror B37:  Why yes, we all did. There was one person who questioned it but after we read and did not understand what manslaughter meant, then we all got on the same page. We don't get the law, it's so dang complicated. So, he's innocent. Plus George was hurt. Come on. He was the one that had a bloody lip.

Right? What's worse. A bloody lip or, well, death. Hmmm.

I personally think George Zimmerman is your average coward, made of glass, thus needs a gun to feel whole. I also think he punched himself in the nose to support his lame theory. But that's me. I also refuse to put his ugly mug on here, sorry.

Juror B37 goes on:

"We all cried, all those hours deliberating! We were wailing!!"

As though no other jurors deliberated ever. Maybe they were all worked up over this:

"If we go with a guilty, will that generate more or less money regarding book deals. On the OJ trial, they all got book deals."

"We should go with the not guilty. I mean I've been here for 17 hours for Christ sake. I want a McDonalds.  Let's get something out of it. To hell with that kid. Let's go for the money."

Which leads me to Jenny McCarthy, though her route to money was slightly different. Playboy bunny, a host on some MTV dating show, a bit role in Scary Movie 3, then she had a baby.

I'm so awesome! But..

Oh gosh, how do I stay relevant?  Sadly her son was born autistic, but she believes he was fine until he had that awful MMR--this gave her a platform to talk about vaccines and how dangerous they are. She has been proven wrong so many times it's hard to believe it's still in the news.

Now we have Dr.Jenny, who barely made it through high school, but throw Jim Carrey in the mix and that ups her media quotient enough to get people to read her misleading books that ought to be filed in the public health risk section of bookstores. She even bought a pair of glasses to appear more intelligent.

She has heavy competition in the celebrity- mom -knows -best do to Mayim Bialik, which I wrote about a while back. But at least Mayim has some education.

I saw Jenny at the Grove last month and approached her.

Me: Oh, Jenny. Listen, a friend of mine loves you, reads your books, so she didn't vaccinate her three kids. But now two of them have the mumps and one has rubella. What should she do?
Jenny: As I've said, I do believe it's going to take some diseases coming back to realize that we need to change and develop vaccines that are safe.
Me: So, should we keep an eye out for polio? I mean, I never got that. Did you?
Jenny: No, my parents were not as educated as me. Polio is actually no biggie. Did you see Sessions?
Me: But you don't mind silicone filled breasts or botulism shot in your face though, right?

She flashed a veneered smiled and wandered off.

Ignorant people are dangerous. This increases with their level of money, power and guns. Now,  if you have an ignorant celebrity with money (power) and a gun, we're getting into NRA territory.

In George Zimmerman's case, he falls into the ignorance with a gun, and some power behind him, his ex-judge step father.

Jenny McCarthy has the media presence, which gives her a very powerful platform.

Let's compare. Jenny barely made it through high school, Zimmerman got through a couple semesters in a state college mainly focusing on courses that would allow him to be a cop.

They both have huge ego's, the capacity to lie and believe their lies and will go all out in discrediting anyone who calls them out. But the key similarity is that they somehow are both experts in fields they know nothing about: Jenny, medical, Zimmerman, the law.

Jenny ^^^ medical expert.

In this sense, they are both alleged killers.  Now we have two dangerous people on the loose, with half the population giving them intelligence and attributes they simply do not deserve.

Zimmerman has gotten his gun back and Jenny a national platform which tacitly validates her crackpot theories on all things medical.

Here, they are now both a menace to society.

The Zimmerman verdict secretly gives permission for people to stand their ground and get away with murder.  Jenny McCarthy is just further validated.  I recently learned a staggering 25% of mothers will take Jenny McCarthy's advice on NO vaccines and how to treat their autistic child over an expert doctor whose been in the field his or her entire career.

Children have apparently died taking her advice. Who are these ridiculous parents? I had no idea there was actually a website devoted to this, a body count.

These two, in my opinion, have blood on their hands, walk freely and I won't be surprised if Zimmerman is soon on the cover of GQ.  Then he and Jenny will be on equal footing. Zimmerman's going to have to hit the gym before he makes the cover though.

These two are just a match made in heaven. Two ignorant celebrities who are getting away with murder. Once they get together, we can then look forward to the Jenny and George Zimmerman Variety show.

Rhonda Talbot weighing in on Jenny McCarthy, George Zimmerman, vaccines, celebrities, misinformation, media lies.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

No Kim Kardashian, Okay Jennifer Aniston, No Chanel, Maybe Prada

I adore Eva Mendes. I could pull off the Prada bra...

...but not this dress. ^ ^ ^ ^ ^  Only Eva can.

My girls, now 10, have taken a big interest in my appearance. For some reason, they think I should wear Prada. I'm certain they don't know what Prada is. And they also think I should never wear Chanel, again, they have no idea. But I made a mistake, which will follow.

We can't continue however without a gratuitous picture of my beloved Ryan Gosling though I will say I am thrilled Eva is the woman for him.

I'm currently staying in this great house ^ ^ ^ ^ where Ryan lived for a bit while shooting Gangster Squad. So there's that.

Back on point--For many years I have gotten away with wearing my pajama bottoms to school events, a filthy nightshirt for quick trips to the village, a large button down dress shirt and flats, well anywhere.

BTW, I look exactly like her ^^^ but those days are OVER!

I can no longer be seen in public with the girls and am not allowed to get out of the car during drop offs. If I must talk to someone, they give me hand written dialogue, then read it aloud so I won't get it wrong.

E: Say exactly this.-- Hello. I am E and A's mom. I will pick them up at 3:00 p.m. SHARP and won't  be late. Good bye.

Because they loath my clothes, and my hair, they gathered a few magazines to introduce style tips. When pulling out pages, Jennifer Aniston, and nearly everything she ever wears, appears in the "YES" stack.

So does Rosie Huntington -Whiteley.

E: She is so awesome. There's so many pictures with her dogs! She loves animals just like us.

They particularly loved this outfit for me. Hey, so do I. For 3 grand.

A: We also love how she hangs out with her dad and little sister. ^ ^ ^ ^
E: We'll take dad to the beach too when were old.

My kids adore their father so this picture meant a lot to them.

Dad can do no wrong, and I know we mothers take a lot of heat. But truthfully, I'm telling myself this will provide a solid foundation for them as they grow into young women and begin evaluating men. It will take quite the man to live up to their father. I mean he created a zoo in our backyard for god sakes. Last count 25 animals.

During my physical yesterday I was asking all the nurses about the mother/daughter thing.

Nurse 1: Oh, god. Mine were the worst. They told me my skin looked diseased, like Shingles.  They cut up my capris.
Nurse 2: That's nothing. My daughters called me a sweat hog and said I was to blame for any cellulite or blemishes they had.
Nurse 1: Don't worry, Rhonda. You're situation sounds normal. Dads get all the props.

We all seemed to act the same. Don't react. Then we all reflected on how horrible we treated our own mothers. We shuttered in unison.

House of Pies:

Me: Hey girls, look it's Brittany. Isn't she a good friend from school? Hi Britt!
Girls: Mom! Shut up. You're talking too loud. Oh my god. Did you just say Britt!? She's not our friend.
Me: I thought you were friends.
Girls: Shush! She's a plastic. Just be quiet!!
Girls are now hiding under the booth.
Girls: (whispering) You have a stupid stain on your shirt. Cover it.

The adolescent years are tough, particularly with mother/daughters, but I stumbled on these quick tips if you would like them.  I had a starter child, but a son, and honestly I could've worn leather stage pants and a cone bra and he would not have noticed. I really am in the dark here. Nonetheless there is a lot of information available; articles, books, etc.

Psychologist Evelyn Bassoff reminds: It's the parent part of you, not the human part, that your daughter is pushing away.  

Their big task at the moment is to develop a strong, separate identity away from me; generally mom is first then dad. The girls are trying to develop relationships and "look cool" to their peers, which is incredibly difficult if MOM is wearing hideous, out-dated clothes or telling lame jokes.  This is harder actually for the kids since I know they must feel guilty in the pushing away process.  This explains why both my daughters love to cuddle in bed and channel flip when no one is looking.

My own tips if you are interested:

*It's not personal. Do no make her feel bad about any rejection coming your way.
*Is it that big of a deal if she wants to style your hair into the Bride of Frankenstein or ask you to wear a Maxi-skirt with elephants on it? No. If anyone thought I looked insane wearing jammies to Ralph's, well, by the time the girls are done with me, that jammy look is positively glamorous.
*Reinforce her own reality. Validate her. I say, and often, "I know I embarrass you when I try to be funny with your friends, so I'll make an effort to stop."  This is huge for my kids.

They DO NOT think I'm funny, ever. And I actually think I am. I mean, that by itself is weird. Why do I think I'm so funny? I entertain myself all day long. But, hey, I'm the parent. I'll try to be funny with adults. It won't mess up their childhood cause, well, they're already adults.

As an aside, sometimes if you intuit this is a deeper issue, by all means, seek out help. But in most cases, it's normal adolescence. And healthy. And necessary.

Back to fashion. They shoved this NO stack in my face. I have no opinion on Kim Kardashian on an level, but the girls chose her as the "NEVER wear anything like this" pile of outfits. There were many images, but this should suffice; it covers the entire problem. Big no on-- shorts, vests, big buttons, plaid, and heels.

The girls are clueless who any of these people are and they also have no interest in fashion, or "girly" things, but are strictly doing this so I will appear to be "normal," to lessen their horrification of my existence.

I was recently gifted a lovely Chanel polka dot dress. I threw it on with some strappy sandals  and was set for my day. They were outraged.

A: Mom, please take shit off! You are too old to wear polka dots. We are too old to wear polka dots. Dots are for babies. Just gross.
E: That is seriously awkward. Give it to someone in need.
A: Also fix your hair.  We have some examples.

Of course they do. Scarlett Johansson never disappoints. They have brought her up many times before. She's become my go- to- girl with my hairdresser.

The girls have been putting together their own outfits for years. I just pay. And now Eve is designing and sewing. I should mention Mood is an amazing place, yes they have the best fabrics on earth, but because they offer free classes for children and adults, provide sewing machines, instructions, all of it. Not sure if it's on their website but I really encourage anyone with in interest in DYI fashion to check it out.

Eve designing a shirt dress.

It's a fantastic place. And not just because Project Runway uses them. I'm in love with Mood.

It's an exciting time in their young lives because 10 is really just a cover for 14. They are both very curious what in the heck goes on in High School. They think, sure, academics, but really it's Veronica and Archie and girls running around with heart bubbles and saying things like "Oh No She Di-ent." Everyone has a skateboard and a surfboard.

They are relieved I now have a few outfits I can throw on when we are in public and also a few I can wear when I go out on date night. Even though sometimes I want to freak them out just to see what happens.

Just because I know you are wondering what I am wearing, this is the ensemble they threw on me today.

And this is their kind of style, well, on certain days, give or take a beanie.

I asked them if they would ever allow me to wear polka dots.

E: Maybe this. And only if you're going to like an opera or something.
A: And only if you have the dog with you. That all works. Even the flippy hair would look good on you.
E: But just wear one glove.