Monday, July 29, 2013

Jennifer Aniston is a Self Kisser

As usual, I am way behind the times, but thanks to Jennifer Aniston, I was brought  up to speed on self-worth movements. When I was struggling with my own self-esteem in my 20's, and okay, part of my 30's, I was told to give myself self affirmations. I had them all over the house, particularly on my mirrors.

I thought it was ridiculous because I would read them and think, wait, that's total bullshit. So I made this.

Despite being a somewhat accomplished person who overcame horrific childhood tragedies, I still had nagging thoughts that I wasn't pretty enough, for what, I don't know. I had a difficult time looking in the mirror. Like I could never do the Jennifer Aniston Floating Kiss.

I don't even know how to respond to that, except if I was as cool as Jennifer I might give this a go. ^ ^ ^

Early in my 20's some therapist suggested I start hugging myself while whispering how amazing I was while standing directly in front of a mirror, then finish it up with a kiss. I fired her.  But maybe I acted in haste. I mean look at Madonna. She kisses herself constantly and she's a really big deal.

James Franco simply can't get over his damn self.

Apparently there is an entire website devoted to Franco kissing  himself. Then, looking pleased.

"You rock star, you!"

Megan Fox is leaning in for some self-love, but look, I adore this girl. She can kiss herself all she wants. If you looked like that, you might be tempted. I see her so much I feel she's a relation. We share many of the same professionals and vendors.

I've never been a "fancy" girl as my 10- year- old daughters call them. That is, girls that spend hours on their image, perfecting this with clothes, make-up, hairstyles and affectations.

I came into the world a wild street urchin and was told:

"Never rely on your looks for anything. They will get you nowhere. Plus, you may end up dog-ugly anyway. Use your brain, even when you're sleeping."

I carried books everywhere I went, spent 90% of my time in classrooms and slept with a dictionary. When I came of age and developed a face and figure, this went ignored. But only by me. Men constantly pursued me, often without my knowing.

GO AWAY! ^^^

When you're a girl in your teens and twenties, you typically have a trail of men following you around. By age 23 I had four boyfriends only because everyone was starting to call me a lesbian. Not that it mattered, but I was in an industry ruled by men and gay women had no power at the time. In fact, they were ridiculed, badly.

So I collected a few guys. An Anti-Christ Agent, a Kevin Costner actor, a Surfer and an Entertainment Lawyer. I only shared my bed with Costner and the surfer.  Not together! The others didn't mind. I was more of a prop for them; arm candy stuff.

"Hey look at me! I'm an old guy that has a teenaged girlfriend because I am that powerful!"

Nonetheless I still thought I was fat and ugly; this was because model type girls told me as such whenever I was out at some industry event, probably called WE'RE SO HOT AND YOUR NOT!

Model: Well, you're thin, kinda pretty. But you have no tone. Get a Jane Fonda tape.
Model 2: You need to firm up those thighs or forget it.
Me: Forget what?
Model 2: Forget any kind of future with a rich man.
Me: Huh?

Here they exchanged looks and rolled their eyes.

Model: Also you look like a schlub. Could you have less taste in clothes?
Me: This is a Norma Kavali.
Model 2: Oh, girlfriend, you're fucked.

Later I asked my big shot agent fellow to take me shopping.  I was seriously out of my league in Hollywood. No one in college gave a shit what they wore.

Big Shot Agent:You don't need any clothes. You look great. I bought you that Prada dress for the Oscars. Just keep wearing that.

Later, after a night of scream therapy, the lead therapist pulled me aside.

Therapist: Rhonda, your screams aren't real. You're wasting your time. Use affirmations and try kissing yourself.

I never did the self kissy or went back to scream therapy. But I did drop all the boyfriends except the surfer dude.  Those people know how to  have fun.

My life is very different now. Years have passed, I have issues I suppose, but nothing to complain about and I like myself just fine.  I no longer want to cut off my thigh fat with a steak knife.  Being in your 20's is a truly cruel passage.

So we have come full circle. Everybody apparently whose anybody is kissing on themselves. Even A-Rod!  I don't know who that is, but the name, his appearance all scream-- masculinity. I didn't take him as a mansexual.

Now I have twin 10- year- old girls. They seem to have deep wells of self-esteem.  They are very proud of their tomboy status and have tons of interests. Beauty is not one of them. But they think Gwen is gorgeous. This is one of their 30 reptiles.

Beautiful Gwen ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ No make-up or stylist required.

So, the lowdown on the trendy maintenance of self-esteem? Give yourself a big kiss in the mirror. There is even a tumblr page devote to this subject if you need a tutorial.

Randoms. This is an actual thing.

I think the above is a couple with intimacy issues. Let's make-out. Then they go to separate bathrooms.

Whoops. Ryan Gosling somehow slipped in there. My bad. That's Ryan in my office telling me:

Finally, if you feel the urge to kiss yourself, just look at Scarlet Johannson. Your gender is not important.  Just put this next to your alarm clock and you won't need a self pep talk.

Rhonda Talbot weighing in on selfie kissing.

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