Thursday, July 19, 2018

Ninja Your Way Into Gratitude

Given that life has turned into a surreal world even David Lynch couldn't conceive, I really have no business being so damn excited about my new blender purchase. What I mean by that is I sometimes feel guilty when I'm happy. Because:

My old Ninja finally died sometime in the middle of last night. Therefore I could not make my frothy breakfast. I resorted to putting my potions in a cup and shook really hard. Not the same. But it gave me the energy I needed to go one of my all-time favorite stores, Bed Bath and Beyond.

I hadn't been there in a while, actually, the last time I attempted to go, everything went south because some crazy lady going 80 mph decided not to stop at a red light just as I was turning left. It's such a crazy story you can read it here under Halle Berry. This is why we all have insurance because of assholes.

Speaking of assholes that blow through red lights, here is a video from last week I took while out for a stroll.

Yeah, this guy had his entire family, including a baby, in his car, and maybe he was thinking, fuck that red light, the soccer game is on, then he smashed into this lovely old lady. I hope she is okay. We carefully pulled her out of the passenger side. She seemed fine, but off to the hospital because weird ongoings happen to your body the day after a car accident. Out of earshot of the police, I said to the driver, channeling my mother: "Shame on you, risking your entire family! A small child no less! You could've killed them all and this poor elderly woman.  For shame!! Slow the fuck down moron. Red means STOP!"

What passes for "normal people" lately:

I'm certain my admonishing him will have ZERO impact on his future driving skills but it sure made me feel good. Since there were so many witnesses maybe he will lose his license. I know they don't do this in the US, but it ought to be a law-- channeling my father. If you run a red in Germany, for example, you lose your license for life! But they get the autobahn! Fair trade.

Back to the blender. Here's the thing. I use this baby for everything. Not just my incredible shakes and smoothies --

(How awesome am I that I made that? ^ ^ ^ )

--which I began making after this interloper crashed one of my bbq's.  But Cesario changed my life. And apparently, many others read here -- nutrition. 

I use it to make everything free-banana bread, sugarless cookies, Gochuchang sauces, Pomme purees, lentil nut butter, coral worm dips, giraffe weevil floats, metallic eyeshadows. It's endless. I hate cooking so if all that is required is dumping the ingredients into this sucker, a pinch of witchery then watching it whirl, my entire family is seriously indebted to me.

Given they all have different food plans... lactose intolerant, gluten intolerant, meat intolerant and just generally intolerant of my cooking, it's opened up a magic door. They will eat what I make, as long as I use this blender. My daughters believe since I use the Ninja to create food, I had no involvement, therefore eat they shall! Better still, they make their own damn food. Because it requires so little effort, not one snapchat story or Tana Mongeau video will go unmissed.

Look, the world has gone mad, mad! It's been so severely tilted I lost all my bearings and food is one of the few constants I find comforting. Until I see this happen to the madman---

--I really need my blender. The level of gratitude I have for Ninja, which then leads to a mental compilation of many things I am grateful for, is immeasurable. I take it when I travel, even if just the valley because what if I get stuck there?

Other tricks of the Ninja ----and unbeknownst to anyone, I can also toss about say, Chia seeds, Flax,  Maca, Tumeric, Smart Paste.  They never know and never will because they will never read anything I write. So it's win-win.

I used to laugh at parents that "snuck" spinach in their kid's pasta sauce. First of all, gross. But you can easily drop a tablespoon of green powder into an apple shake.

I should mention I bought a super cheap one, on sale, this thing of beauty. Why on sale? Because a newer version is out. They do exactly the same thing. Plus I can't stand all those buttons, dials and instructions. Jesus.

This young cute boy was helping me and I saw one for $17.00. A Kitchenaid.

Me: OMG! Look! It's so retro. I had that in college. How cute is that!!
Boy: Oh, that doesn't work very well. I wouldn't get that.
Me: It's vintage!  I'm having all these incredible college memories. I can't believe you still sell it.
Boy: No one buys those. It's really cheap and bad.
Me: Stop putting it down! I want a new salesperson.

I'll leave you with this. I'm not full-on Paleo, but this website is great for ideas on mixing and matching all things smoothie.

Since my gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free banana bread is gone in two days, I've upped my game. Onto Zucchini, shredded cauliflower, chocolate chip, cranberry, any berry, guess the berry bread.

Until I have my beach house, and the horse is out of the hospital (thank you comic genius John Mulaney) this definitely helps get me through, and as a bonus, the family is getting healthy without their permission.

Rhonda Talbot on life, family, children, politics, food, comfort, health, smoothies, blenders, John Mulaney, gratitude.

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